Funds, day job, infant, IBS; whatever the reason, you won’t be there, unable to observe a hoard of perilously cute early-20s scenesters, unable to disdain them by being older and thicker in the waist and, because you’ve started caring about your health, closer to death. Who will you stare at with thinly veiled contempt? Your cat?Having recently attended the Winnipeg Folk Festival, I felt a strong connection with the second point on their guide, which is probably the best reason to stay away from large music festivals: where a nasty amount of heat and an even nastier amount of substance abuse have joined forces to make your trips to the portapotties feel like some obscene punishment.
2. Poop in a real toilet. Though my uncle once told me that sitting over an uncovered john for too long could predicate some serious colon trouble (bacteria gets in there too easily?—he didn’t specify), now’s the chance to really enjoy the cold safety of well-cleaned porcelain against your unthreatened behind while the festival throngs stand in line waiting to make in a fetid pile. In fact, why not spend a whole set on the toilet? Bring the laptop in the bathroom with you; if Kevin Drew [of Broken Social Scene] only knew you were laying cable while watching him sing…Oh, and they also have a regular Guide to the Pitchfork Music Festival, which is just as entertaining.