Transcribed and edited by Aaron Epp with Jonathan Dyck
FLO RIDA featuring T-PAIN Low
Les Friesen: (singing lyrics) “She hit the floor, next thing you know/Shorty got low, low, low...”
Bucky Driedger: This song’s very instructional: if you see a girl entering the club, wearing fur, smack that booty!
Jonathan Dyck: Getting ‘low’ is kinda the only cryptic part in this song. Like, what does getting ‘low’ mean? Let’s brainstorm.
Thomas Epp: Getting low on the dance floor, or maybe in the bedroom.
Aaron Epp: Are you having a bad day and emotionally low?
Theo Wiebe: Did you slip ‘cause someone spilled Smirnoff Ice in the club?
BD: Are your stocks low because of the economic crisis?
KATY PERRY I Kissed a Girl
AE: I thought there would be more ironic acoustic covers of this flooding the Internet than there was.
LF: This was produced by Max Martin, the same guy who produced So What by Pink.
TW: I think it’s appealing to dudes who think two girls making out is hot.
LF: This song wouldn’t have been as popular if it had been a guy singing, ‘I kissed a boy and I liked it.’
TE: The question is: where else are the topics of pop music going to go? This is different lyrically, because she’s talking about kissing a girl.
TW: But really, how different is it? She’s still talking about the same stuff as every other pop song, it’s just with the same gender.
BD: If she really wanted to be different, she would have to sing, ‘I humped a cow and I liked it.’
COLDPLAY Viva la Vida
BD: To me this record feels really safe.
JD: But how could Coldplay not be safe?
LF: Yeah. They’re not gonna put out a Kid A or something.
JD: I think that’s the thing—you have to love Coldplay for their immediacy and the fact that they’re always going to give you what you want at that moment.
LF: This song made me like Coldplay again.
JD: Viva la Vida is definitely an improvement over their X&Y material. Better songs, better production.
LF: It was definitely time for them to do something new—
AE: And rip off Joe Satriani.
featuring STATIC MAJOR Lollipop
JD: Yet another song, like 50 Cent’s 2005 hit Candy Shop, to exploit the metaphor of candy for fellatio.
TW: I look forward to the day when pop singers don’t use metaphors for fellatio—they just sing about it.
BD: I don’t know. I like pop singles that focus on inanimate objects, like umbrellas and lollipops.
JD: Yeah—I think the umbrella stood for something else, too
LF: I don’t think there was any connotation
JD: Do you think Lil Wayne listened to a lot of Fiddy Cent?
BD: I don’t know. All I know is that I still think robotic voices suck.
LF: I have Cher on my iPod. We can listen to when the whole robot trend started.
AE: Robots are taking over.
BD: Terminator 6: Robots Take Over Pop Music.
AE: It could happen.
NICKELBACK Gotta Be Somebody
AE: I don’t mind this. I’ll just throw that out there.
TW: Wow Aaron, you’ve got some big cojones for admitting that.
BD: Who thought a Nickelback chord progression could get any more predictable? More proof that Nickelback will do whatever it takes to get a hit.
LF: Such a positive, uplifting message in this song—’Nobody wants to be alone.’
BD: I’d rather listen to a song about somebody sucking my lollipop than—
LF: Than a song telling you to embrace your life?
GUNS N’ ROSES Chinese Democracy
TW: I think it’s too easy to make fun of this album and song.
JD: But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t.
LF: Why do you think Axl Rose is so enthralled with the concept of Chinese democracy?
TE: I think his cornrows were a little too tight when he thought of that title.
BD: Guns N’ Roses started making this album in 1993, and I don’t know how anyone can still care all these years later.
TW: Do you think this song sums us up? Would you give this to someone from a different culture and say, ‘This is North America’?
LF: It’s North America, but it’s not 2008.
TW: It’s 2008, circa 1994.
JD: This sounds like it was produced in 2008, though.
LF: It’s a 1994 album, produced in 2008.
KID ROCK All Summer Long
JD: It’s like Kid Rock swallowed Sweet Home Alabama and shit it out.
TE: I just wish I was 14-years-old again before I knew Sweet Home Alabama existed.
TE: Because that song sucks ass.
JD: This is why I hate America—because of songs like All Summer Long.
TW: I predict that this is the last pre-Obama hit of its nature.
BD: Yeah. In the era of Obama, this shit’s not gonna fly.
TW: Look out for a lot more Rihanna.
JD: And a lot more M.I.A. There’s a global movement comin’.
TW: Now that’s change I can believe in.
AE: But I don’t know. It’s like, you go to a social, and this is probably a fun song to hear.
BD: Why are you at a fucking social in the first place?!? Only if your close friend is getting married can you ever go to a social.